Diary

Wish they’d keep their fucking beaks out. Why do their curtains keep twitching all the time, have a good fucking look in the mirror for fuck’s sake. Jesus Christ I prefer crack addicts to these people. You can trust a crack addict better, and I’m not using hyperbole when I say that it’s fact. Sitting…

Woke up after 9am. Medication is doing this. Went to Communion at Church. Had a great coffee. They do the best coffee in this suburb. So over an hour out the house. Decent conversation. Didn’t act like a complete fucking weirdo. So a win. Early morning cigarettes are the worst. Otherwise after the “blip” not…

Feeling pretty rough. Got to morning prayer. Updated to MacOS 15. Went for a coffee, got some passport photos. Smoking less and vaping more.

Went for a small walk. My confidence is very low. I wish I had someone to walk with. I don’t understand why God answers every prayer I have for other people but for myself I just don’t see it. It’s just suffering all the time. Paranoia, conspiracy and lies of the devil. That’s all I…

Got up at 7.30am very good, but I did take my medication last night much earlier. Went to church this morning. The homily was very good. Some paranoia about panic attacks but pushed through. I’m quite delusional. Thinking people are persecuting me when they’re clearly not. What is real???

Woke up at a good time relatively speaking. 8am. Walked the long way around the block, some paranoia was creeping in about panic attacks but we made it thank God. Slept a bit. Not good. So tired all the time though. Tired of schizophrenia… Everything relates to everything else. It’s a nightmare of discernment. Essentially,…

Woke up at 8.30am. That’s the medication for sure. Jesus said to go out at 10am and thus we did. We walked together into Alvaston and I bought two vapes from the shop. It was fine. Thank God. Thank God. Today, let’s see what happens. It’s still young. 13.30 went for a walk to the…

A day of nothing. Not good. Vapes broke so smoking instead until I can get a new one. Didn’t go out agoraphobia. What’s next. Something good or something bad I don’t know.

Feeling sick. Got to communion this morning, it was an hour of something resembling normality. Not going far… Went with Clement to Elvaston Castle on Monday. Again an hour of something approaching normality. Tired of my mind. Tired of fighting.

Not doing great at all. Nerve damage is chronic. Didn’t even go out today. Feel like I’m on the verge of some nervous system breakdown. I’ve no idea what the fuck is wrong with me but it’s anxiety-based. Honestly I have no idea what the fuck to do or how to proceed.

My CPN came today. We went for a coffee. It was good to be out. We sat inside. Yesterday was horrific, in honesty I feel just at peace not to be feeling like I did then. It’s all anxiety-related. Smoked 2 cigarettes it’s now 1pm. Good. Smoked about 10 cigarettes today. Blasting the vape. Not…

I got up and quite late. The medication is too much it makes me sleep far too long. Went for a walk, it was really, really hard. Turned back and then held on with all my might to escape something indescribable. Smoking less. That’s something.

Went for a walk. Again not far. Smoking less. Vaping is alright. Seem to be blasting it a lot. Been out three times. Seriously struggling. I’m worried I might not manage church in the morning. Why am I going backwards???

Well. Woke up around 8.45am. Too much medication. Went for a walk round the block, got halfway as I was worrying about freaking out, turned back and went to the church door. Looked at some graves, saw the word “perfect” doesn’t feel like it Jesus. I’m miles away from even going to the shops.

I don’t feel well. I don’t understand it. I’m staying in today, yesterday was hard and it feels hard now.

This morning I walked to the church and back. My “enablement” worker met with me for the first time. Smoked about 6 cigarettes it’s noon. Need to keep that as half my quota. Last night I had a bad episode. Called samaritans it was that bad. Everything is so difficult. i feel so sick. Mental…

Went for a walk around the block early in the morning. Been doing some studying. Some visitors came, that was pleasant. Struggling with my own mind a lot. It’s impossible to put it into words. I wish I was well.

Got up early. Went to church at 9am. After that some coding. Took 4mg of diazepam. Had to cope with some paranoia about having a panic attack. I wish I knew more good people. Smoking less.

Today is a day of computing. The weather isn’t great. There’s not really anywhere to go. I need friends… Set up some basic git projects for symfony. One for NGINX and the other for Apache. Nothing exceptional clearly. Smoking less. Probably had 5 and it’s afternoon. Jesus is close. Went for a walk to the…

Got up around 8am. Went for a walk into town, picked up some medication, had to wait ages. This is good. It’s the first time I’ve done this since agoraphobia began. More to come…

Got up early. Only took prescribed medication. Went for a walk. Made some calls. Still early…Smoked a bit, still vaping. Bought a game. Very interesting. Smoking much, much less thank God. Did some PHP. Not much but something. Moments of great sadness and loneliness. Moments of peace. Watching a film before bed.

I woke up this morning and accidentally took my medication twice. So I’ve taken 200mg of Sertroline and feel like I’ve dropped some ecstasy. Silly mistake. Went for a morning walk to the church. I’m hoping later to go back and interact with some people there. Still struggling with thoughts about panic attacks. The main…

Went to church this morning. it was a great service. Met a new parishioner. Smoking less, using the vape a lot. Setting up some systems. Doing ok…praise God.

Today I have decided to have a day on the computer. So far vaping and some smoking. I hope I’m going to get better. It was good to get out yesterday.

Up at 8am. Went for a walk around the block. Reducing my smoking with patches and a vape but it seems to be affecting my benzos and am experiencing withdrawal. Fuck’s sake! Went round to a friend’s house, walked back. Smoked less. Not bad overall.

Went for a VERY short walk. Tired but stayed awake. Reduced smoking as yesterday. Sin. Some time working with a friend on a software project. Spent more money (bad). Could be much better. Had strange withdrawal (felt like benzo withdrawal). Spoke to a neighbour.

Started using cigarette patches. They are small and not too sticky. Using the vape. Walked to the corner shop and bought some shaving foam. Walked back. Did 1 hour coding with David. Went to online prayer group. Did some computer stuff. Hardware and software. Smoked much less.